User:AuronKaizer

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 * This article is about an awesome person. For an article about a person who is not awesome, see your own userpage .

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 Awesomeness warning : Details involving myself and how awesome I may or may not be follow.  IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE! TAKE THIS DINNER. DODONGO LIKES LOTSA SPAGHETTI! LETS PLAY TOSS THE H BOMB. 10TH ENEMY SET UP US THE BOMB. SECRET POWER IS SAID TO BE IN THE ENCLOSED INSTRUCTION BOOK. MASTER USING IT AND YOU CAN HAVE THIS FAIL. PAY ME FOR THE INTERNET REPAIR CHARGE. AIM AT THE EYES OF FERGIE. THERE'S A SECRET IN THE TIP OF BARBRA STREISANDS NOSE.

Funniest. Edits. Ever.
http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i86/Kaizer13/ESRBAK.png Well, being around here, you come across some funny edits here and there. I'm gonna list those here lest their ingeniousityness be lost to the tooth of time...or something. Oh, and I don't take suggestions. I like finding them out on my own.


 * No comment needed.
 * Goldmember vandalizes ZP on his free time.
 * This guy told me to sue Nintendo.
 * Public statement on Gorons from the Obama Administration.
 * Featured Article, ZW style!
 * This makes the notion of articles on the symbolism and morality of Zelda sound like a good idea...not!
 * Leaked information about the new Grand Theft Zelda game.
 * Yeah, the article is in need of cleanup...we get it already!
 * Details on the secret final boss of Ocarina of Time.
 * Not really Zelda, but it was so hilarious in context, I couldn't help it.
 * The Legend of Zelda: Groundhog Day!
 * This one always puts a smile on my face.
 * Hah!
 * Nintendo reveals full details on the events of the Hyrulean Civil War. Unfortunately, it sounds more likely than HoT87's claims.
 * Yay for sexism!
 * Sex Ed: The Zeldapedia Way.
 * The biggest uber fail I've seen in a long time. Since the cache update eventually removed these links, I forever preserved the memory of this fail in carbonite.
 * Oh, the indignities of being an "unbiased" editor.
 * Insane or decisive proof that Nintendo are running out of ideas? Don't ask me.
 * Wow. Really?
 * MAAAAAAAAAAAAX!!!!!!!!!!!
 * Gee, the Death Eaters' tactics for world domination have become really lame.
 * I wonder who would win that ToC battle >.>
 * Should lay off the crystal meth...HAHAH GEDDIT!!! OMG I MAID A FUNNIE!!!11!1!one!
 * Get a Leif.

Things you may not know, things you may want to know and things you may not want to know
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 * I have no understanding of the English language, and everything I edit into here is copypasted from somewhere. Even this.
 * I have eaten three whole, consecutive pizzas without having to throw up. Consecutively.
 * I have been legitimately diagnosed with insanity.
 * I think, therefore I am Bruce Campbell.
 * I have made a total of 13 failed bash.org submissions and counting.
 * My best kill/death ratio in a single round of Counter Strike: Source is 124/2.
 * I have come to realize that not even in the face of Armageddon must one ever compromise.
 * Ever since I was a kid ya, my dream am to become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds.
 * I have come close to perfecting the art of Mind Bullets and am also highly proficient in the serving of rocketsauce.
 * I am a partially selective narcissist/self-loather/neither/both/popsicle.
 * Me. Me, me, me. Oh, and the best part about being me...there's so many me's! I'm in everyone. I'm that little voice in the back of your mind who tells you to be ashamed of a human race that allows Miley Cyrus to live.
 * I had a dream about Angus just the other week. It's not weird. Just random.
 * This user not fade away.

Remembrall

 * M.B. v P.
 * Remembering what in the hellfire and brimstone "M.B. v P." is supposed to mean.
 * Back hurts.
 * Remembering all the lyrics for "Saturday Night Holocaust" and stop making up my own.
 * East block, front row. Fifth seat from the right.
 * Get a life.
 * #fde900

Makeshift Clipboard and convenient stuff (Props to Triforce!)
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Currently playing
http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i86/Kaizer13/Pepsiman.png http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i86/Kaizer13/EpicMickey.png As re-playing Zelda games again and again can get old, I'll also list non-Zelda games here. Because I said so. Alphabetical order. And yes, before you ask, I am very much a replay gamer. When I have finished a game for the first time, it will be highlighted in green and its final overall score will be displayed on the page for a little while.

Recently watched films
http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i86/Kaizer13/Watchmen.png http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i86/Kaizer13/Braveheart.png Yes, having no job and generally nothing to do, it's no surprise that there are a hell of a lot of movies to watch to occupy one's time. Here's some I've seen recently, and what I think of said films. Bet this list is gonna be pretty exhaustive after a while. A bunch of old reviews have been removed to prevent the page from being too long. Rather than creating an archive (I don't approve of archives of userpages much) you can just check the history if you're interested.

The Doors (4/6)
Partly truth, partly fiction; all decadent insanity in this film chronicling the history of The Doors, the most influential psychedelic rock band by that name. Val Kilmer is Jim Morrison, a "different" guy preoccupied with things beyond this world as well as the very material things of our world; a fantastic songwriter and a man who was easily misunderstood, a living paradox of sorts. A very honest and unglorified portrait of a very controversial man in the history of music. While it does sometimes drag on for a bit and gets a little uninteresting, it's still a pretty good film. Great performance scenes that feel very realistic, and Val Kilmer's singing, while not precisely Morrison, still works as a good interpretation. Ride the snake, man...

The Rutles 2: Can't Buy Me Lunch (4/6)
Haphazard sequel to one of the greatest mockumentaries of all time, the story of Legendary rock band The Rutles, a fantastic Beatles parody created by Eric Idle. Mostly, this is just surplus material from the first film mixed with new interviews with more or less entertaining musical artists and their relation to The Rutles as well as interview segments from the narrator from the first film, played by Eric Idle. Feels sort of re-hashed, but entertaining anyways. Funny stories from real celebrities with some really hilarious moments. Also, The Rutles' songs are good enough to equal most of The Beatles' catalogue and are used to great effect in the film. Not the greatest sequel in the world, but perfectly decent.

Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam & Burt (3/6)
Half-hearted spoof movie starring Adam West and Burt Ward, who played Batman and Robin in the quite cheesy 60s Batman TV series. The humor is so-and-so, dealing with West and Ward's partly fictional stories from the time of the show. The best laughs are provided by the actors who portray the original Batman series actors, such as Frank Gorshin (The Riddler), Burgess Meredith (The Penguin) and Julie Newmar (Catwoman) while West and Ward pull off some stuff that isn't that funny. Decently funny nostalgic piece on a time when the level of subtlety in television was at an all-time low...until now, that is >.>

Once (2/6)
Heartfelt but partly uninteresting Irish film about a down-on-his-luck musician trying to make it to the big time. Along the way he meets a Czech-born girl and they eventually develop a relationship, that for some reason doesn't turn into a typical cliché love story. While it does sometimes offer a refreshing change from typical sappy love stories, most of the film consists of long musical sequences that drag on for too long, and whose music isn't all that spectacular to begin with. It's clear that whoever made the film lacks an understanding of pacing. Might have a better appeal to people who dig that kind of indie music, but it wasn't anything for me.

Impulse (5/6)
Spectacular romantic/psychological thriller starring Angus Macfadyen, who plays Jonathan Dennison, a somewhat boring, if loving psychologist who has lucked out with Rachel, a younger girl who loves him. However, things get complicated when his wife finds out she has been cheating on him with his identical, deeply disturbed doppelganger (also played by Macfadyen, if you hadn't guessed already) whom she had believed to be her husband living out some kind of weird fantasy. After being rejected, the doppelganger begins insinuating himself into their lives and eventually tries to take Jonathan's place. Many great moments of suspense, some unforeseen plot twists and some pretty damn good acting on the part of Angus, who carries the entire film on his back, playing both a slightly dull and a psychotic character, switching flawlessly between the two. Great, original piece of cine if I ever saw one.

Bubba Ho-Tep (4/6)
Weird but funny and original horror movie featuring Bruce Campbell as The King. Yep, that's right, the basic premise of the film is that Elvis Presley, tired of his fame, got an Elvis impersonator to switch places with him. However, after injuring his hip while performing as his own impersonator, he is sent to a hospital haunted by an ancient Egyptian mummy spirit (the eponymous "Bubba Ho-Tep") who eats souls. Together with his friend, a black guy who believes himself to be John F. Kennedy, they battle the evil mummy. Some original and funny ideas with a great performance by Bruce as the broken-down crusty King of Rock 'n' Roll. But still, in the end, the way the movie unfolds is too typical and predictable for it to truly shine.

Cool World (2/6)
A true mess of a film, this animation/real world production by the legendary Ralph Bakshi is a...mess. Set partly in an animation world known as the "Cool World" and the real world, which exist side-by-side, it's basically just host to a bunch of annoying, gratuitous and random cartoon characters. Brad Pitt, who plays a police officer who oversees that inhabitants of the two worlds stay in their own world, is a decent enough actor in this (admittedly, he didn't really become a good actor until 1999) but Kim Basinger's portrayal (both in cartoon (read: doodle) and real (read: noid) form) as a vicious, almost-sexy femme fatala is so campy that it doesn't kill the movie's entertainment value completely. But aside from that, Jesus, I don't know what to say. It feels like some kind of kid's incomprehensible and random (albeit a very dirty and disturbed kid) idea for a film. The killer of Bakshi's legacy, but not all the blame should be placed on him; the director secretly had the script rewritten without his knowledge. The film has some slick animation and set pieces, but overall the film is 1% substance and 99% style.

Dirty Harry (5/6)
In a San Francisco driven mad, "Dirty" Harry Callahan is the man with the answers...and a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. And in all the excitement of this action/thriller, he forgot whether or not he fired five or six shots. So the question you should ask yourself is..."Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk? Clint Eastwood's most famous role of all time (although perhaps second to "The Man With No Name", depending on who you ask) as the tough-as-nails cop who doesn't always stay within the law to fight crime and evil-doers is the centerpiece of this brilliant classic, but the suspenseful story of a one-man battle against a sick, depraved murdered/kidnapper is fraught with many great scenes and a lot of awesome ironic dialogue as well as an honest indictment of the faults of the American legal system. Awesome cine all the way. Made my day.

Avatar (5/6)
Nearly equal parts style and substance make an awesome team in what is bound to become a masterpiece of the 'oughts. A paraplegic human marine by the name of Jake Sully is given his deceased brother's spot in a command unit whose purpose is to obtain resources from the planet Pandora; however, the native people, the Na'vi (no relation to a certain annoying fairy) who live in harmony with nature, fight them at every turn. After being given a manufactured Na'vi body that he controls and having made a deal with a scrupulous commander to lure the Na'vi away from precious resources, he is saved from an animal attack by a female Na'vi and after living among them, he ascends to the same level of natural perception they do and begins to grow distant from the human race. However, the inevitable happens and the planet is attacked by human industrialism, and now the Na'vi must fight the humans. James Cameron returns with a hell of a film, laden with loads of symbolism. It's not like the story of a tribe's fight for survival hasn't been done before, but the eye-popping visuals, as well as a steady grasp of modern filmography, gripping presentation as well as some great performances make this truly one of those films.

The Lovely Bones (4/6)
Gripping and imaginative adaptation of a book by the same name about, about a young girl who is murdered by depraved loner. When the young girl dies, she goes to a kind of purgatory where she can do everything she can imagine until she is ready to pass on. The film shows the problems caused when you are unable to let go of a loved one. A very dark, yet hopeful film with one of the creepiest "villains" seen on film in a long time &mdash; the psychopathic killer next door is portrayed to perfection by underrated actor Stanley Tucci. Even Mark Wahlberg, who makes up for the insipid crap that was the film adaptation, Max Payne, does perhaps his best role ever as the loving father of the murdered girl. However, the movie's occasional pacing problems, to the point of confusing people into thinking the movie is over as well as a weird twist ending sort of makes the movie unable to break through a certain glass ceiling. When it's good though, The Lovely Bones is a fantastic film with an original and thought-provoking story.

Up (6/6)
Pixar do what they do best and create another masterpiece of animation &mdash; maybe a masterpiece of cinema altogether &mdash; with this hilarious, witty, intelligent, exciting and touching piece of ingeniuity on par with the best of Disney's 2D animation classics. It's hard to put in writing. In fact, I'm unsure about whether or not I can actually do it. I'll just stop here and say it's one of my most favourite films of all time. That is all.

Funny People (5/6)
The title couldn't be more right if it tried; this fantastic film shows us a new and interesting perspective on both humor and people. George Simmons (perhaps the best piece of work Adam Sandler has ever clocked in) is a disillusioned comedian who, after being diagnosed with a terminal illness, takes the inimatable and amiable everyman up-and-coming-comedian (Seth Rogen in the kind of role we typically see him in, only played to perfection here) under his wing and makes him his mentor. Along the way there are cool celebrity cameos, valuable lessons on life and learning and some of the most hilarious lines this side of The Tracks. Funny, compelling and complex, Funny People may just be the epitome of the kind of raucous comedy Apatow has become famous, which is enough entertainment value in and of itself, but it also has a much more serious core and a more apparent set of lessons to learn. Truly awesome.

Bottle Rocket (3/6)
Wes Anderson's directorial debut is a little shaky and uneven, but still has some good, memorable moments. Luke and Owen Wilson, along with this other guy nobody knows, play a trio of friends who have devised a "75-year plan" to live a life of wealth and luxury by picking off small businesses and robbing their own houses. When the group disbands after the third guy in their group leaves to help his bully of a brother, they decide to quit their small-time burglar act and assume regular jobs; that is, until their leader comes up with one last heist. Anderson's unique brand of humor doesn't shine as well as in his other films here, but is still hilarious in parts. However, the movie is hampered by an erratic and somewhat confusing plot which really spins out of control during the second half of the film. Inconsistent, but fun at times, and quite possibly Luke Wilson's finest moment &mdash; he never had as many as his brother Owen, whose portrayal of Dignan, the wacky leader of the group who has a fondness for fireworks, is the true star here.

Up in the Air (4/6)
Not to be confused with the other movie with a similar title, this is a cleverly-written, well-acted and poignant piece of cinema. Up in the Air deals with a man (the second most charismatic man after Steve Blackman: GEORGE CLOONEY!!!) who works as a traveling man who fires people, the proper term for which escapes me. He is happy living a life as a free man, his mind often on his impending record-breaking number of frequent flier miles. However, when a plan to automatize his job comes along, severely shortening the need for him to be on the road, he has a hard time adjusting. However, he learns to reconnect with his family and even falls in love, in a pretty non-cliché'd romance that has no happy Hollywood ending. Clooney fits the part like a glove, and other characters also impress. Smart and realistic stuff.

Dorian Gray (4/6)
The classic tale of a young man who inexplicably halts his own aging process is brought to film in a big way. Young Dorian Gray arrives in London to move into his inherited family manse, and after befriending an elderly gentleman whose sarcastic wit and whose idea of a happy life is youth and sex and all that, Mr. Gray's soul is infused into a picture (painting, really, but just to refer to the original work) and he becomes an unchanging slave of hedonistic desire and whatnot; it doesn't end well for anyone involved. The best acting I've ever seen from Colin Firth and a good job from the main guy who plays Gray, Oscar Wilde's story is as disturbing as ever. Drags on in places but overall a good adaptation and film.

List of Gods
Being a monolatric kind of guy, I recognize many persons and/or things as things that have risen above the normal filth of the earth and asserted their place as Gods of the Heavens and the Earth. This is a list of these things. If you and your religious stance are offended by this, megabyte me. Oh yeah, this is in no specific order. If you're not on this list, you may or may not suck.

Hardcore Holly
Seriously, how much more awesome can you get than Hardcore Holly, the most underrated wrestler of all freakin' time? This guy can turn a squash match with a rookie into a five-star classic with only backhand chops and basic moves. Everyone else can just go die. In a world that is reasonable and just (confound those 300 Spartans for not winning that battle against the girl guy a long time ago!) he would be a 300-time WWE/World Champion right now.

Auron
While a fictional character (by the same definition, as is Hardcore Holly...sorta.) Auron from Final Fantasy X has proven that real people are for the most part boring and useless in comparison. The most badass wandering Ronin character since...Rod Serling(?) to ever assert his presence in video gaming. For more information, read this.

Creative Zen Vision:M
iPod sucks. Yeah, I said it. When it comes to portable multimedia players, nothing can beat the Zen Vision:M, even if newer, more compatible models with more storage come out all the time. It can play music. It can play a very limited amount of videos (however, the most frequently used, like DivX and XviD are suppported). It can display your hot hentai pics. What more could you possibly ask from anything? Watching movies while in bed is man's greatest achievement to date; perhaps even greater than the invention of the pizza.

Helge "Omen" Kaizer
Forget about your Charlie Mansons, Albert Fishes and John McCains, the creepiest haunt to ever walk the face of the earth is Helge "Omen" Kaizer. A mysterious man clad in a gas-mask that plays haunting melodies on a pump organ, an accordion, a marimba and an inner capsule; your mind may not be able to take it. Nobody knows who the hell he is or why he has come&mdash;however, we should all be warned and cry in despair whenever he unleashes his power.

Beer
Both the cause and solution of World War II, this beverage invented by early Mesopotamians (or Mork from Ork) contains alcohol, a strange substance that makes unattractive people more attractive, tremendously increases your natural balance and enables you to manage to listen to a Fergie song without tearing your eyes out. Those right beside you may not be so lucky. While it is expensive like hell, what the hell else would you spend your money on? High School Musical 3? No. Beer should be offered in school cafeterias everywhere, so as both to boost learning power and automatically making the next day a sick day for whomever should drink too much of it, despite the fact that it is impossible to have too much beer.

Dom DeLuise
Dom DeLuise is an awesome voice actor, famous for voicing a character in almost every Don Bluth film to date. You know, the crazy old cook who managed to create animated films with a heart and soul, unlike a certain Evil Empire known for performing statutory you-know-what on their original films by creating crappy sequels. Anyway, DeLuise uses practically the same voice every time; somewhat remniscent of a Bronx accent. This leads to many humorous characters like Tiger, the fraidy-cat from the American Tail films and Itchy from the All Dogs Go to Heaven films. Yeah, I watched these when I was a kid, okay? The funny thing, the ones I watched were dubbed to Norwegian so I really didn't get to experience DeLuise's voice acting until I re-watched all the films I watched as a kid as a part of an identity crisis I had a couple of years back. Anyway, to summarize this; Dom DeLuise is a guy who can re-use the same voice each time and come up with the same hilarious results. Awesome.

Sadly, DeLuise passed away on May 4, 2009. His legacy will forever remain in our hearts...and on this page. Have fun in heaven...'cause if Florence Nightingale got in, you oughta be a cert. Rest in peace my man.

Braveheart
Never has Godhood been embodied in a film like in Braveheart. Pre-broken down anti-semitic Mel Gibson created a masterpiece with this, mixing rough Feudal Age action with epic scenes and a captivating script, along with some awesome acting performances (note; Sophie Marceau as the foofy French princess is not included in this category) and an inspiring, touching and amazing tale that everyone should be able to, if not relate to, at least appreciate on a base human level. It even manages to do this without a hot chick; imagine what could have happened if there were one. That could create a film so good it would cause a pime taradox. Unfortunately, Braveheart simply stays in the Godhood area and doesn't go above.

Ukulele
The Ukulele is like the Session 9 of instruments; it didn't get the credit it deserved, but is still one of the most awesome instruments out there. When played, the Ukulele sounds somewhat like a guitar either tuned way up or with a capo on a very high fret. It does indeed sound awesome. While the Ukulele is often associated with Hawaii and all that, the reason it achieves Godhood is because of the way it has been used by Carmaig de Forest, the world's second most awesome underground Ukelele singer-songwriter. Resembling your average math teacher, Mr. de Forest manages to write songs as captivating as the most touching Tennyson poem (poetry's for geeks) with the help of his good friend, the Ukulele. Just like Jamie Noble; it's small but packs one hell of a punch.

Corn Flakes

 * Vyvyan: Corn flakes. Corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes!
 * Rick: Pathetic! It'll never win, Vyvyan!
 * Vyvyan: Why not?
 * Rick: It's only nine words.
 * &mdash; The Young Ones

Corn flakes, while very bad for your circulatory system and high in unhealthy content (you know, what the media outlets refer to as "A Gift from Satan Himself") is a damn good way to start one's day. Milk (covered in a future entry) sugar and corn flakes together give you that unhealthy boost of energy in the early mornings that may come back and ruin your sleep, but who cares really? Remember, the moment that you do start caring, it's too late.

Cing
Cing is a game company, responsibly for the creation of such Nintendo DS classics as Another Code: Two Memories (known to you US guys as Trace Memory) and Hotel Dusk. The best adventure game company out there today (in a very diminished niche market, mind ye) manage to create games that are engrossing, exciting, innovative and feel like a good use of one's money. Intricate, mysterious stories laden with foreboding as well as some very realistic characters and dialogue makes you fall in love with the game worlds. Hotel Dusk contains some of the best dialogue this guy has ever seen in any game ever. While the gameplay facet of the games is not largely groundbreaking or intensive, it works out rather well, leaving you alone with your brains to solve the puzzles. Cing adventure games are the new Christie novels. Seriously. I want them to make another, right now.

µTorrent
The Internet is both among Man's greatest creation and his undoing. That's a trip and a half. One of the wonders of the new world, other than the escalating violence, bigotry and hatred, is the Internet, or more specifically, torrents. The ultimate in file sharing, with a half-decent connection, you'll be able to get movies in decent quality for free. Hell, if the film in question sucked, you can just delete it instead of feeling like a jackass for having bought it. Face it, neither the music, gaming nor movie business lose any notable profit if you do it. To make up for the minor loss of revenue, those stupid record label managers and people could allot the creator more money rather than keep 90% to themselves. What we're doing is a favour to the world; and as long as anyone can watch really crappy VHS rips of Are You Afraid of the Dark? while doing it, nobody can really be a loser.

Jigsaw
Now, I'm not going to induct the entire Saw series in here, because quite frankly, the fourth and fifth one were lacking. Oh wait, no, they sucked. May be because the gore is becoming just a tad too...gory? Maybe it's because the actor who's playing the proverbial new bad guy, Hoffman, has absolutely no charisma as an actor? Maybe we can blame it on the boogie? In all seriousness, the films lacked the one thing that made the first three Saw films so insanely good; the antagonist, John Kramer, or as the media propaganda would lead you to believe, Jigsaw.

After being diagnosed with terminal cancer, John Kramer tries to commit suicide by crashing his car. However, he survives, and realizes that his life is a precious thing that must not be wasted. He sees things in a completely new light. He also notices how so many people around him do not appear to appreciate their lives, and he does whatever someone in his situation would do; he decides to test their will to live by putting them in really deadly, disgusting traps based on something in their life. The guy's not even a killer; he gives someone a chance to really change their life, and if they should die, it was because they were too weak to utilize the full potential of the primal survival instinct. This guy knows everything about behavioural science too, and knows how to manipulate anyone into following his bidding. The character would not be as good without the stellar acting of Tobin Bell, who manages to make John Kramer a completely disturbing, yet eerily understandable guy. Needless to say; a God.

FS 540
Yep, a one-time skater, I'm quite a big fan of the Tony Hawk series of video games. My skating career is another story. Anyway, completely unrealistic games that allow you to chain together sick combos, destroy property without being arrested and basically always comes with a pretty cool soundtrack, you've gotta love. However, there's one trick that beats all others; and that would be the FS (Frontside) 540. Technically speaking, it's a frontflip with a 180 degree spin, or something like that. Don't bother me with details kid. However, it looks so completely awesome, and is my favourite way of starting that 5,000,000 point combo. FS 540, revert, manual, Darkslide, Impossible, Darkslide, etc. You all know how it goes. Screw all those gimmicky Star Wars tricks and boring Indy 900 spins; the FS 540 is the coolest (virtual) skate trick of all time.

Jello Biafra
The frontman of punk rockers Dead Kennedys, Jello Biafra is a certified lunatic and musical prodigy. (Come to think of it, aren't all musical prodigys insane? You know; Michael Jackson, Charlie Manson, Alvin and the Chipmunks, etc.) With his weird-ass "vibrato" voice, politically and socially flammatory lyrics and elementary, slick guitar movements, Jello is pretty, err, unique. Here is a man who sees the world, or rather, "modern society" for what it is; a slightly cleaner version of Stone Age, where the ones with the clubs (read: cash) are the ones in charge, keeping the consumerism apes in line. The cold, hard truth; indeed, the very facts of life were never spoken of quite as coolly or truthfully as in songs like "Police Truck", "Holiday in Cambodia" and "Stealing People's Mail". And you know I just stuck in the "cleaner" song titles due to the PG-rating this site's got.

Jello got more or less screwed by his ex-bandmates in the mid-90s, when they sued him for whatever reason and ended up with the rights to the entire back catalogue of the DKs. However, without Jello, the Dead Kennedys and what they once stood for is pretty much dead and buried. And yet, those sell-out bastards still tour to this day, with some other loser in Jello's spot; getting royalties for allowing anything and everything to use DKs' songs in their product. It's a freakin' mockery. Jello may be a crazy guy, but you can't help but sympathize for him in a situation like that.

Cheese
Throughout the history of Man, there has been one constant; anything can be improved upon the inclusion of cheese, the "edible gold", as it were. Made from a special way of processing milk, cheese is another of the Great Inventions of Man. With a cornucopia of different varieties, ranging from the regular yellow cheese found on your grilled cheese sandwiches to blue cheese from mountain goats of the Himalayas, cheese is one of the world's most diverse food families. Bad for your circulatory system and all that, but who cares? I mean, I'd take a good meal of bread n' cheese over a few more years of living as a pained, decrepit old man who is ignored by his relatives any day.

Sleep
Whoever you are, whatever you do; everybody needs sleep. And Jesus, does sleep ever rock. Disconnecting your brain and traveling through the deepest reaches of your mind. Cool beans. Also, nice to have a comfy bed to perform the act of sleep in. Sleep is also a time to forget about all the troubles of your life, so you might as well do it as often as you can. Sleep in and that. World War III could start tomorrow, for all we know. So, inna final analysis, sleep does rock a lot. Necessary and good for you. Far out man. Natural high.

Ringo Starr
Everybody knows that Ringo Starr is the greatest Beatle, drummer and guy named Ringo of all time. Like, seriously. It was awful nice of him to let those two no-good Liverpool nuggets Lennon and McCartney publish his songs under their name, only for him to become the secret manipulative mastermind behind the entire thing. Fantastic songwriter and an awesome voice. Also, best humor in the group. Likely to be the final remaining Beatle living...actually, he already is, since Paul already died once already and was replaced by a lookalike. So...badass! Ringo forever, dude.

Dumb People
Ah, dumb people. What would a (self-proclaimed and possibly errant) intelligent mastermind such as myself do without them? People who take things at face value and fail to see the subtlety of life's many proclivities. People who are entranced by daytime TV commercials. People who exist for the sole reason of remaining in a state of perpetual ignorance for others to exploit and ridicule. And of course, those lovely lovely GameFAQs (that's right Baltro!) posters. The world is a more interesting place with them around, that's for sure. Now lemme give a shoutout to all you idiots out there!

Crowbar
If there ever were one constant in the history of the world, it would be the Crowbar. Supposedly invented as a tool for applying leverage, the Crowbar has played a part in many of the events that has changed the course of history. What do you reckon was the weapon of choice of Norse Vikings in the Dark Ages? What weapon (aside from alcohol) do you think played an instrumental part (the Overture from Rossini's "La Gazza Ladra", actually) in the North's victory over the Confederacy in the American Civil War? And could you imagine how much messier John F. Kennedy's assassination could have been had The Comedian used a less subtle weapon like a potato gun? The Crowbar is responsible for the alteration of the world's timeline in 1985 as well, so without the advent of the Crowbar, we could well be living in a world where Muse never existed...what the? DAMN YOU CROWBAR! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Portable Network Graphics
If I someday perfect my Time Machine, the first thing I shall do is travel back to the 90's and thwart the invention of Man's Greatest Mistake: Jive-Arse Pathetic Eenternet Graphics, also known as JPEG or JPG. Seriously. So much great artwork and imagery has suffered from the evil compression effects, rendering them damn near useless and ugly. Why are you doing this? Why are you so mean to art? What did art ever do to you? You're all monsters. You MUST DIE. All must be replaced with Portable Network Graphics, the superior graphics container. To illustrate what you are doing to art, you sick demented jerks, look below. Are you happy now? ARE YOU?!? HUH?!? You sicken me. PNG >>>>> JPEG http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i86/Kaizer13/Linebeck.jpg

Guitar Repertoire
The following is a list of songs I know on the guitar. We're talking acoustic guitar here, folks. No electronic stuff. Basically, guitar is a good stress reducer for me...good to have when you have to retire from the overbearing pressure of having absolutely nothing constructive to do. Good stuff. Anyways, only songs I know completely are to be included here. Random riffs and basslines or whatever don't count. Got a bit of a hazy memory, so...what was I talking about again? By the way, did I tell you I play the guitar? http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i86/Kaizer13/Guitar.png

What Zelda Games do I own, and in what order did I play them?
You know you want to know, badly. Well, let me indulge you 'ere sonny.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
Yep, the Game Boy classic is the first Zelda game I got my grubby hands on. Did I enjoy it? YES. It took me ages to complete it, especially with the Golden Leaf ordeal. At one point, I legitimately became "obsessed" with the game, as parents and relatives noted that I was acting freakishly weird after having FINALLY found the last Golden Leaf. This is the only time I can think of that I lost control of my gaming. I'm ashamed.

2. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Next up was A Link to the Past, which I rented from the nearby SNES rental shop, when it was still possible to rent a game in the land of Norway. This is a dead tradition now, but I believe I rented it for 14 straight weekends before I finished it. Loved it.

3. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Ocarina of Time was on sale back in '99. It went for 100 kroner a pop (about 20 bucks, not half bad) and I got it from my brother for my birthday. I also bought a used N64 on that birthday. So yeah, I loved it and became like the help phone for my friends who did not have the intellectual fortitude to complete the game on their own that summer. The memories.

4. The Legend of Zelda
What can I say about the original game that hasn't already been said? It's impossible to play without attracting a serious brain hemorrhage. I've never finished it and probably never will. ONE of the dungeons in the game is harder than any game I can think of today, seriously. It's just...ARRGHFHHGHGH!!! Still though, great level design and gameplay system, for its time. With savestates, it's even half enjoyable. But that's only the BS Zelda version I'm talking about here. But freakin' hard, man.

5. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
Okay, so I may have mispoken before. This may not only give you brain hemorrhage, but also possible STDs and infractions of the orbital bone. Just defeating ONE ENEMY is hard in this game. Also, people who introduce themselves as "Error" is not something just any mind can take without potentially cracking to pieces and shattering a person's view of life. I'm sorry...and a bit amazed that the series actually continued after this brainfart, which I seriously hope will at one time be confirmed as non-canonical. Hmm, after I wrote this, I actually played the game through from start to finish...a rewarding experience, even if I needed "cheats" to do it. It's not all that bad...it's fun when you know you don't have to get a game over every ten minutes. Still, would be nice to have even THE FAINTEST CLUE on where to go next after a temple is finished. It just feels broken. Even with the cheats required to complete it, it's still the worst Zelda game you can get. So yeah, Spirit Tracks may still have a chance. Still longer after I wrote that piece of inane, unneeded criticism, it turns out Spirit Tracks is awesome and owns Zelda II with a comfortable margin. It's fun to be presumptuous!

6. The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
Then suddenly, along comes the Masterpiece. Everything that I ever loved about Ocarina of Time is expanded upon and transformed into a being far above the human consciousness, err yes, I do mean that it's one of the best games ever made. A completely unfathomable atmosphere, tension and creepiness just completely suffuses the game. I quote Alex Burgess' "A Clockwork Orange"; "Strange how the colours of the real world seem only real when you viddy them on a screen." Just a goddamn masterpiece, and I don't care how many Final Fantasy VII fanboys stand in my way, I shall strike you down. ...Yeah, loved it.

7. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages
The first Oracle game I got was Oracle of Ages. Possibly the greatest Game Boy Colour game of all time, it features so damn much, both in detail, texture and cookie crunch. While it was definitely light-hearted, it also featured darker moments as well. Not to mention that Veran helps fuel my midriff fetish...OH YEAH, did you need to know that? Well, guess not. Sorry there. All complaints can be send to 1-900-WHO-CARES. Nyuah.

8. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons
Some moons later, I finally tricked my poor ass parents into buying it for me. While not as good as Oracle of Ages, Seasons definitely packed a punch. A rich, imaginative cheese melt if there ever were one. I don't know, but I think I may be one of the three people on earth (the other two being the late, great James Coburn and Nigel Planer) that liked Ages better than I did Seasons. Yeah, they rejected my first application for a spot in the local loony bin.

9. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
Well, I finally got some cash and decided to buy both a GameCube and The Wind Waker sometime in 2005. While WW along with the Zelda Collector's Edition I got with the GameCube and Twilight Princess were the only games I ever got for the console, I'd say it was worth it. Either way, I was one of the few who didn't feel like Nintendo had gone all soft in the head what with the new cel-shaded graphics and I was quite looking forward to the game. Immediately I was sucked into a pretty cool world, one of the best-developed Zelda game worlds out there. But, the game had one major flaw. SAILING. Hours and hours and hours and hours of never-ending, repetitive sailing. And what with having to change the wind direction every time you wanted to go somewhere, it would be an understatement to say that I grew very annoyed with the game after a while. Nevertheless, the gameplay was tight, the graphics were awesome-looking and the story wasn't bad at all, so that weighed up for the small aggravations. In the end, the good things managed to slightly outweigh the bad things (the sailing if you hadn't guessed) so I was happy with my purchase.

10. The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap
Heh, funny, at this point my playage of the games had started to become eerily chronological. Oh well, I got The Minish Cap for me darling old GBA just after its release because a Christmas miracle had happened; one out of the about 1,500,1138 games ever released was released in Europe BEFORE the US and Japan. Crazy, but that's the way it works. The moment I started the game, I was amazed. They managed to cram into this small cartridge a compelling game, with all the best things from the previous portable titles while mixing it up with some of the feel from The Wind Waker and the original Legend of Zelda as well as some new, solid ideas. While the story left me somewhat nonplussed and the game felt way too short in general, it give pretty much everything you could ask for in its short lifespan, including fun mini-games and long sidequests. But in the end, the game would have benefitted greatly both from being more difficult and having a different story. Good game.

11. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Well, Twilight Princess was the last breath of the GameCube. Having just obtained a rather sizeable sum (for a 17-year old that is!) from the government as scholarship stuff, I thought I'd go crazy and end up in a possibly financially liable situation by going out and buying the game. I also bought a Nintendo DS Lite together with it for whatever reason. I decided to take a couple of days off of school and just stay home eating Pizza and playing the game. Aaah...Talk about your Wonder Years...Kevin Arnold has nothing on me!

But I've got to say, there was just something missing about the game first time I played it. The graphics were fabulous and the gameplay was smooth, but to this day there was just something that didn't feel right. Maybe it was due to the featureless and droll game world that couldn't hold half a candle to the Hyrule presented in Ocarina of Time? Maybe it was because of the confusing plot? Maybe it was due to the fact that there is too little Ilia hentai, even on rule34? God only knows. While I did enjoy the gameplay and aforementioned graphics, when I finished it, there was this sour taste left in my mouth. Too many new ideas that didn't work out well. So I left feeling disappointed. However...during my second playthrough in the year 2008, that something seemed gone and I was able to fully enjoy each and every aspect of the game. It went from bottom of the Zelda rung to a respectable fourth or fifth place. I can't really explain it...but rest assured when I say that Twilight Princess is a great game, but in no shape, size or amount of hentai is it better than Majora's Mask or Ocarina of Time. And I'm not just sayin'...I'm just sayin'.

12. The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
I bought Phantom Hourglass on a day I didn't feel like going to school; rather, I went to the local city by myself and happened upon a GameStop shop, where they sold this game for half the recommended retailer price. Of course, I'd completely forgotten about there being a new Zelda game for the DS and had to give in to my consumerism needs and buy it. I also skipped the subsequent day's schoolin' to actually play the game. Some things are just more important than being bored to death by information you'll most likely forgot in half a year anyway, such as playing a newly purchased Nintendo DS game.

At once, I was impressed by the graphics; I mean, this IS the DS after all, with worse anisotropic filtering and anti-aliasing than an Amiga. Okay, so maybe not, but you know what I mean. They looked exactly like the stylish cartoonish graphics from The Wind Waker, with some minor "downgrades" here and there. I was surprised. As for the game itself, while I didn't really care all that much for the story or the villain, it was a fun trip with many cool Nintendo DS gameplay features and generally, controlling Link was fun. They even managed to automatize (is that a word? I say it is. You say different, and yousa fried.) that dreadful sailing part that was a major hassle in The Wind Waker.

It was a pretty easy game, though, and I managed to finish it within three to four days. In short, it's a fun, player-friendly game, but it was lacking in several areas that I find to be crucial parts of the identity of a Zelda game. Fun, but naive.

Superlatables
It's the world famous, from the source of the fad itself, the original AuronKaizer Superlatables, now featured on the Zeldapedia! You know how these work right? If not, your loss.

Dungeons
 Awesomeness warning : Awesomeness ends here.

Signatures
Sign in this section and you will receive a block. This is not a joke. By signing this, you, the Party of the First Part (hereafter referred to as a Dufus™) consent to being blocked for whatever period of time I see fit. Now see here kids, this is the deal; either, you'll ignore signing this simply out of fear of the unknown, like all human beings. OR!!!! ...an inexplicable urge to do just that &mdash; a sickening, paranoiac feeling tainting your very soul &mdash; will haunt you night and day until you finally sign it and get blocked. There is no escape. The best you can do is hope for a quick end. Additionally, your name and picture will be placed in the Dufus™ Gallery, in which your name will be hilariously parodied with a horrible play on your name that will only serve to make me look even more childish and immature. You Dufuses™. (Oh, and people who sign without talk templates are permanently blocked. I do not joke around.)