User:MaloMart

About me
I am the long-lost brother of the Helmaroc King. I resemble a huge flying chicken with a funny hat, and I reside in the Cheese Temple. After defeating me, you will receive a Heart Container, the Cheese Medallion, all 20 Golden Feathers, a Power Star, and the Red Rock of Righteousness(which, combined with the Blue Boulder of Benevolence and the Green Granite Slab of Greatness, forms the mighty Stone Sword, a weapon so incredibly heavy that only a Yeti, a giant or a dragon can lift it without the help of Mega Power Bracelets. These Bracelets are guarded by my cousin, Bidodongorok, a huge, two-headed, fire-breathing lizard/bird that makes sheep noises. You want to do all this because only the Stone Sword can defeat my friend, Blockodon, a monstrous block of wood). The full plot of this game I've described can be found on the page User:MaloMart/My Zelda Game.

So far, the only Zelda games I have played are Twilight Princess, Wind Waker and Ocarina of Time. I've finished Twilight Princess twice and Wind Waker once, and I'm not done with OCarina of Time. So far, I have to say that Twilight Princess wins. Wind Waker was great and all, but sailing can get really boring, while riding Epona around Hyrule is always fun. Plus, the King of Red Lions can't hold a candle to Midna. (This is one of the many phrases I don't understand. Do people have trouble holding candles up to better people?)When I finish Oot I will be able to place it on the scale.

I am also incredibly self-conscious and often believe that everyone hates me, including everyone on this wiki.

My Timeline
Here's my theory. As we all know, it starts with Ocarina of Time. From then, it branches off into the Adult and Child Timelines. The next game in the Child Timeline is Majora's Mask, obviously, and then Twilight Princess. This is considered to be fact. After Twilight Princess comes the Oracle Series. Why? Because Twinrova is/are dead in the Adult Timeline, so these games cannot be placed there. Secondly, Ganondorf clearly dies in Twilight Princess, and he is resurrected in the Oracle games. These games start Ganon's time as a blue pig. After this comes the original Legend of Zelda, and then Adventure of Link, where Ganondorf is already dead at the beginning.

The Adult Timeline's next game is A Link to the Past. This should be obvious, as the game's intro tells the story of Ganondorf's imprisonment in the Sacred Realm. This also fits here because it explains how Ganondorf escaped the Sacred Realm and went on to cause the Great Flood. He didn't die at the end because Link wished on the Triforce for all the damage to be undone, an unforseen side effect of which would be Ganondorf's resurrection. The next game we know is Link's Awakening. I think it was during this adventure that Ganondorf returned in his "red wrath," and Link was not there to stop him because he was trapped in a whale's dreams. Next is Wind Waker, where Ganondorf dies for good. Dead. Done. No more Ganon. Then it goes on to Phantom Hourglass, the Minish Cap in the New Hyrule, and finally Four Swords.

The only game that doesn't fit this timeline is FSA. If we go by this timeline, Ganondorf is dead for good by the time Vaati shows up. I don't think he was reincarnated, because he lost the Triforce of Power in WW. I suppose it could be a different Ganon, but I don't really buy this. I think that the absolute most likely theory is that Nintendo thought they would make more money if they threw Ganon into the game, so they did.

This leads into my second, most likely theory. The only games that follow a specific timeline are ALttP, OoT, MM, WW, PH, TP and MC. These games all seem to fit easily into the timeline, while the others do not. I personally believe that these were probably the only games Nintendo intended to include in the timeline, and the other games were just filler. I especially don't think the first two games should be included in the timeline, because at that point Nintendo probably had no idea of the extensive timeline and different Links that would show up later on. Based on this theory, here's the timeline:

Child: OoT, MM, TP

Adult: OoT, ALttP, WW, PH, MC

Anyway, that's my theory. Feel free to debate it on my talk page.

Other Things I Believe About Zelda
A cursed body is a Gibdo until its bandages rot off, and then it becomes a ReDead. When the skin and eyes rot away, a ReDead becomes a Stalfos. Eventually, every bone in a Stalfos dissolves except for the cursed skull, which becomes a Bubble. There, explained.

Impaz is a Sheikah and the Hidden Village is Kakariko from Ocarina of Time.

Sera's calico cat is named Link. She says at one point, "My little kitty Link came back to me." If she is addressing the human Link when she says this than she has really bad grammar. I think it is more likely that Nintendo is continuing the tradition in 3-D Zelda games of naming other things after Link. Sure, a cat isn't as cool as a Goron or a super pig, but I like it nontheless. Therefore, I will always refer to this cat as "Link the cat."

King Bulblin always survives because his fat absorbs most of the impact.

The Postman can get through the Cave of Ordeals because he doesn't waste time killing everything. "But, MaloMart," you ask, "the doors don't open until you kill all the enemies." "Aha!" I say in response. "If you look, you'll see that Link never actually tries to open the door himself." You snap back, "He doesn't get the 'Open' signal." I say, "The Postman doesn't wait for life to give him the 'Open' signal. He opens what he wants, when he wants." You then acknowledge my superiority and crawl back into your basement.

The Twili are not any race seen before in the series. They are a brand new race in TP.

The Poe Salesman is the Hylian Knight in the same building. They both love ghosts and chaos and they live in the same house. I just don't see that sweet little boy becoming so scary.

Nintendo likes to make us suffer. The simple existence of Tingle is proof of that, but if you want more evidence, look in my "Annoying Things" section.

Things I don't Believe about Zelda
Twili=Gerudo. This should be obvious. The Twili race is NOT ALL FEMALE! That should effectively rule out this theory.

Stallord=Volvagia. Stallord is roughly ten times bigger.

Stallord=King Dodongo. Stallord is roughly eight times bigger.

One eyed man who sees the truth=Bongo Bongo. I just don't buy it.

How I Intend to make the Legend of Zelda Movies
I plan to be a director/screenwriter for a career, and I greatly want to make movies of the Legend of Zelda series. With the series as it is now, this is how I would do it: I would only make movies of "The Big Three." I consider the Big Three to be OoT, WW, and TP. Why? Because these are 3-D and therefore some of the most popular games. I know Majora's Mask also fits into this category, but it does not fall under the main storyline of the series, and I don't want to make this series too long, so I would have it cut.

First would come Ocarina of Time, duh. It's the first chronologically, and it sets up all other movies. At the end, I would make some note about the split timeline so the next movies would make sense. Twilight Princess comes next, showing what happens in the Child Timeline. Then Wind Waker would be last. Why this way? Because Wind Waker is epic. I may like TP more as a game, but the storyline of WW is so final and climactic that I feel it has to come at the end. Besides, something would feel wrong about making a movie of a post-Hyrule world, and then going back to Hyrule for TP. Therefore, Wind Waker comes last.

If I feel these movies haven't made me quite rich enough, I might make Majora's Mask as a prequel to TP and sequel to OoT. Might.

Twilight Princess
1. Rollgoal

2. The wagon scene

3. Darkhammer

4. The Golden Bug Sidequest

5. Plumm

6. Ook's...ahem...anatomy

7. FIGHTING FOUR DARKNUTS AT ONCE!

Wind Waker
1. The "stealth" part of the Forsaken Fortress

2. Floormasters grabbing the people you're trying to protect

3. The Earth Temple and pretty much every enemy inside it, especially Blue Bubbles

4. The Mirror Shield

5. That one submarine full of Bombchus

6a. The fact that you have to collect 144 figurines, your camera can hold three photos at a time, and you have to wait a full day for that stupid guy with his stupid hairpiece to carve just one figurine. WHY DO YOU HATE US, NINTENDO?

6b. While we're on the Nintendo Gallery topic, the fact that Kogoli, without warning, vanishes and deprives you of ever getting his picture again. I can see no logical reason for this other than that Nintendo hates us.

7. Tingle

Scary Things
1. ReDeads. I think it is a widely accepted fact that these things are terrifying. If I can, I always try to kill them from a distance.

2. Blue Bubbles. Even more than ReDeads, I dread an encounter with a swarm of Blue Bubbles.

3. Arbiter's Grounds. I'm probably alone in this, but I found everything in that temple scary.

4. The Ghost Ship. Creepy music, scary enemies, a freaky portrait. You do not want to do this part of the game at night.

5. The Twilight Realm. Even though it wasn't ever very difficult, I found the whole place spooky. It was probably a combination of the music, the weird orange lighting, and the fear of encountering a group of Shadow Beasts.

6. Wind Waker Stalfos. This is because they are the only enemies that seriously don't care if you attack them. They will continue to raise that mace of theirs and proceed to knock you halfway across the room.

7. Twilight Princess Darknuts. Note that I say Darknuts. One isn't scary. More than one, on the other hand, is nightmare-inducing.

8. The Cave of Ordeals. It's dark and filled with all sorts of bad things.

Underrated Things
1. Twilight Princess. For reasons I don't get, this game has so many people who hate it. Why? The plot was good, the characters were great and the gameplay was smooth. Some say it wasn't original enough, but what about the whole wolf thing? Besides, since when does something need to be original to be fun? It doesn't have to be your favorite Zelda game, but you should all accept that it is a quality game.

2. Zant. Personally, I liked that he went insane at the end. That's what made him different from every other video game villain (except Majora). It added a bit more to his character. Some people don't get how he could change from sane to completely bonkers so suddenly, but I think it's pretty clear. Most people can act sane when everything is going their way, but when your plot to rule a nation is foiled and the princess you cursed and banished is coming for you with her dragon-slaying, Balrog-crushing, skeleton-slaying friend, you'd go crazy too.

3. Wind Waker bosses. I admit that Gohma and Kalle Demos were too easy, but I thought that every boss after that was pretty tricky. Puppet Ganon made me want to smash my controller, my game system, my TV and the Nintendo headquarters.

Questions I want answered
1. How does Beedle manage to beat you to wherever you want to go in the Great Sea, despite the fact that he seems to only move his boat in circle around an island? Further more, how does the Postman do this in Hyrule?

2. How does Tingle exist in two separate timelines, set thousands of years apart?

3. Why is the sage of the Earth Temple a bird, and the sage of the Wind Temple a little tree man? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

4. Why does Ganondorf turn to stone at the end of the Wind Waker?

5. How did the King of Red Lions (the boat, not the guy) get into Ganon's Tower?

6. Why can a wolf understand what cats, frogs and even squirrels say?

7. Why does Gohdan have arrows up his nose?

8. Why didn't Ganondorf in Twilight Princess use his "Flaming Head" form on Link in the final battle? Furthermore, why possess Zelda when he could easily fight Link himself?

9. What the hell was that bit with Zant cracking his neck at the end of Twilight Princess?

10. What do rats in Wind Waker need money for?

11. Why is it that the gods' best way of helping the people of Hyrule is to flood their land and kill probably a large number of them?

Twilight Princess
1. Malo

2. Midna

3. Yeto

4. Yeta

5. Shad

6. The Postman

7. Coro

8. Ooccoo

9. Zant

10. The Golden Cucco (What's not to like?)

Wind Waker
1. Tetra

2. Ganondorf

3. Medli

4. Maggie's Father

5. Beedle

6. Aryll

7. The Fishmen

8. Lenzo

9. Orca

10. Link the Pig (Once again, what's not to like?)

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